The Dream

I dont even know if anyone still reads this. And to be frank, I guess i am using this opportunity more as a way to vent for myself then for anything else.

Some people have huge dreams, others have smaller dreams. Some reach their dreams, while others fight their entire life to accomplish something. Even the sense of accomplishment can be defined by something completely different from person to person. Some see accomplishment as satisfying their parents, while others see accomplishment as satisfying themselves. My own sense of accomplishment is defined by completing a task that you were destined to defeat. A situation where no one said you could do it, where someone was standing in your way and you fought through it until the very end. When i ran cross country, accomplishment was defined as finishing the race, and the season, just to prove to everyone how much i really cared about my senior hockey season. Not just for myself, but I didn't want to let down the younger guys who had worked their entire lives to be there. I was supposed to be the leader, and i didn't want that title to go. I didn't want to disappoint the ones who looked up to me. I didn't want to be seen as someone that i wasn't.

Its currently 1 am. And perhaps the biggest moment in my attempt to recreate my dream is lying a mere 9 hours away. Exactly one year ago, my dream was left unaccomplished. Everything i had ever worked for was in my mind taken from me. Every stride I ever took, every puck i ever shot, every yard i ever ran, every golf ball i ever stickhandled in the comfort of my own garage, as I could hear the grass clipping from my neighbor mowing their lawn, seemed to be a waste. Little did my neighbor know, that just 50 yards away was a boy with a dream, doing everything in his power to thrive. Now i am given another shot.

I watched so many before me throw away the talent they were blessed with, whether it was because they just didn't want it, or they didn't want to take the time to cherish it. I told myself i would not become one of those people, when adults spoke my name 500 miles away in my hometown, I didn't want my name to be characterized with the sense of failure. I was embarrassed last year.

My dream is to play college hockey. I would lay in my bed in my old house staring at the blue wallpaper envisioning myself skating with my college colors on my sleeve. As i grew older, the passion continued to increase. Every time i had the pleasure to step on the ice, I would never take for granted the opportunity i was blessed with. Theres no other feeling that even comes close to living on the pond. No drug that could ever fill my body with the same high that I would get as I skated.

It is more than a sport to me; It's a lifestyle.

Even now i see kids that do not understand that they are living the life that i had dreamed of ever since I was young. Seeing someone take my dream for granted absolutely angers me. But who am i to judge, it just becomes blatantly apparent that their dream is not my dream.

My deepest fear is not failure. My deepest fear is looking back and realizing that I did not do everything I could to accomplish what i set out to do. To look in the mirror and see someone who failed himself. I know that there will be a day where I will have to hang up my laces. There will be a day where I realize that I will never get to experience that feeling again. I pray that day does not come tomorrow.

When i really dissect myself and realize that I am truly lucky enough to be able to even set this type of dream, I myself become overwhelmed with happiness. To be put on this earth with the financial stability to have somewhere to sleep every night, and to have something to eat every day, is in itself a miracle. In a world where so many people live day by day trying just to survive, perhaps I am selfish for putting such an enormous label on an area of life that many people see as irrelevant.

But who is there to apologize to?

All of us deep inside have something that moved them, something that motivates them to become a better person as we progress into our lives. No matter how shitty a day can be, we can all rest at night knowing that there is something that makes waking up the morning worthwhile. Whether it be our family, our friends, or our accomplishments.

Every day is a blessing. There is the possibility that I could end up being diagnosed with cancer tomorrow and my life could be turned upside down. Something tragic could happen to someone close to me that maybe will turn my priorities around. These are the possibilities that make our lives sustainable.

Everyone out there asks themselves at one point or another, why are we here?

Personally, I believe that this answer is different from person to person. But after living my life for almost 20 years and living out each card that was dealt to me, I feel like i have a decent answer for myself. When i was 16, I was told that I had seen first hand more tragedy then some people may experience in their entire lives. While this may be true, I saw it as an opportunity to be able to build myself faster then these same people may ever be able to. I have seen into the face of adversity, and I've dealt with it, while in the back of my mind all I could think of is the people have it so much worse, the people who would cringe at the fact I was tearing myself apart among problems that they would dream to inquire.

I live knowing that every action we make can effect someone else years later. Every word we speak, every move we make, every stride we take, is effecting some one. Whether it be a moment of triumph, or a moment of despair. Celebrating in the march of 2006 proved to me that you can indeed personally work for what you accomplish, whereas the tragic death of a classmate showed me that there is no reason to take life for granted.

If at the end of the day tomorrow, I have failed to reach what I have sought out since i was a child, the world won't stop turning. The sun will still go down, and rise again the next morning. I will still have to live my life, and I will still have to get up at 8am to get to my econ class on monday.

A dream can be defined as a cherished desire. No where in that 3 word definition does it include the fact that life stops. No where is the intention that one should give up if they fail to reach what theyve lived for.

I guess my job is to figure out where i should place my dreams on my list of priorities.

I will always take pride in knowing that I did everything I could to live my dream. And like i mentioned earlier, that is all i can do.


Tomorrow is my shot at redemption. I am blessed with a second chance. And with god as my witness, I will do everything and anything to thrive.

And if I should fail...





Whatever.