The Dream

I dont even know if anyone still reads this. And to be frank, I guess i am using this opportunity more as a way to vent for myself then for anything else.

Some people have huge dreams, others have smaller dreams. Some reach their dreams, while others fight their entire life to accomplish something. Even the sense of accomplishment can be defined by something completely different from person to person. Some see accomplishment as satisfying their parents, while others see accomplishment as satisfying themselves. My own sense of accomplishment is defined by completing a task that you were destined to defeat. A situation where no one said you could do it, where someone was standing in your way and you fought through it until the very end. When i ran cross country, accomplishment was defined as finishing the race, and the season, just to prove to everyone how much i really cared about my senior hockey season. Not just for myself, but I didn't want to let down the younger guys who had worked their entire lives to be there. I was supposed to be the leader, and i didn't want that title to go. I didn't want to disappoint the ones who looked up to me. I didn't want to be seen as someone that i wasn't.

Its currently 1 am. And perhaps the biggest moment in my attempt to recreate my dream is lying a mere 9 hours away. Exactly one year ago, my dream was left unaccomplished. Everything i had ever worked for was in my mind taken from me. Every stride I ever took, every puck i ever shot, every yard i ever ran, every golf ball i ever stickhandled in the comfort of my own garage, as I could hear the grass clipping from my neighbor mowing their lawn, seemed to be a waste. Little did my neighbor know, that just 50 yards away was a boy with a dream, doing everything in his power to thrive. Now i am given another shot.

I watched so many before me throw away the talent they were blessed with, whether it was because they just didn't want it, or they didn't want to take the time to cherish it. I told myself i would not become one of those people, when adults spoke my name 500 miles away in my hometown, I didn't want my name to be characterized with the sense of failure. I was embarrassed last year.

My dream is to play college hockey. I would lay in my bed in my old house staring at the blue wallpaper envisioning myself skating with my college colors on my sleeve. As i grew older, the passion continued to increase. Every time i had the pleasure to step on the ice, I would never take for granted the opportunity i was blessed with. Theres no other feeling that even comes close to living on the pond. No drug that could ever fill my body with the same high that I would get as I skated.

It is more than a sport to me; It's a lifestyle.

Even now i see kids that do not understand that they are living the life that i had dreamed of ever since I was young. Seeing someone take my dream for granted absolutely angers me. But who am i to judge, it just becomes blatantly apparent that their dream is not my dream.

My deepest fear is not failure. My deepest fear is looking back and realizing that I did not do everything I could to accomplish what i set out to do. To look in the mirror and see someone who failed himself. I know that there will be a day where I will have to hang up my laces. There will be a day where I realize that I will never get to experience that feeling again. I pray that day does not come tomorrow.

When i really dissect myself and realize that I am truly lucky enough to be able to even set this type of dream, I myself become overwhelmed with happiness. To be put on this earth with the financial stability to have somewhere to sleep every night, and to have something to eat every day, is in itself a miracle. In a world where so many people live day by day trying just to survive, perhaps I am selfish for putting such an enormous label on an area of life that many people see as irrelevant.

But who is there to apologize to?

All of us deep inside have something that moved them, something that motivates them to become a better person as we progress into our lives. No matter how shitty a day can be, we can all rest at night knowing that there is something that makes waking up the morning worthwhile. Whether it be our family, our friends, or our accomplishments.

Every day is a blessing. There is the possibility that I could end up being diagnosed with cancer tomorrow and my life could be turned upside down. Something tragic could happen to someone close to me that maybe will turn my priorities around. These are the possibilities that make our lives sustainable.

Everyone out there asks themselves at one point or another, why are we here?

Personally, I believe that this answer is different from person to person. But after living my life for almost 20 years and living out each card that was dealt to me, I feel like i have a decent answer for myself. When i was 16, I was told that I had seen first hand more tragedy then some people may experience in their entire lives. While this may be true, I saw it as an opportunity to be able to build myself faster then these same people may ever be able to. I have seen into the face of adversity, and I've dealt with it, while in the back of my mind all I could think of is the people have it so much worse, the people who would cringe at the fact I was tearing myself apart among problems that they would dream to inquire.

I live knowing that every action we make can effect someone else years later. Every word we speak, every move we make, every stride we take, is effecting some one. Whether it be a moment of triumph, or a moment of despair. Celebrating in the march of 2006 proved to me that you can indeed personally work for what you accomplish, whereas the tragic death of a classmate showed me that there is no reason to take life for granted.

If at the end of the day tomorrow, I have failed to reach what I have sought out since i was a child, the world won't stop turning. The sun will still go down, and rise again the next morning. I will still have to live my life, and I will still have to get up at 8am to get to my econ class on monday.

A dream can be defined as a cherished desire. No where in that 3 word definition does it include the fact that life stops. No where is the intention that one should give up if they fail to reach what theyve lived for.

I guess my job is to figure out where i should place my dreams on my list of priorities.

I will always take pride in knowing that I did everything I could to live my dream. And like i mentioned earlier, that is all i can do.


Tomorrow is my shot at redemption. I am blessed with a second chance. And with god as my witness, I will do everything and anything to thrive.

And if I should fail...





Whatever.

Not having a car sucks.

Well.

For all of those that do not know i totalled my brand new car after having it for about 10 days. 

I got extremely lucky that i did not get hurt or killed.

I do not want to go into detail on how it happened because it is a situation that is very hard to describe.

It involved a 65 mph unsuccesful merge onto the highway, ice, and a beautiful black 2006 pontiac G6 flipping several times and finishing in a state that resembled more of a useless pile of sheet metal then a car. 

I just feel bad for my dad.

There aren't many kids lucky enough to be able to have a family that can provide such a beautiful mobile, and i turned mine into what looked like a wood-chipping aftermath. 

Oh well?

I just wish i knew what i could do. 

Replacing a car is one thing. 

The 250 dollar ticket for "careless driving" and the 3 points that go onto an already horrific driving record are what will kill me. 

I know the cop had to give me a ticket. But to me it is very ridiculous. 

Its like the police academy was like 'hey how can we ruin peoples lives even more after they just had a terrible financial accident? Oh i know. An expensive ticket!"

Brutal.

I don't like to judge my life on material possessions. Because that is very superficial. But being an 18 year old kid without a car is just tough.

Now i have to use dad as taxi, which for me is fine, i have no problems. But i know i am burdening him, and thats what eats at me. He always tells me it isn't a problem and that he can find things to do and everything. But i can't help but think sometime in the next few months his boss is going to be upset because he didnt spend enough time on a project or presentation because he was to busy being my shuttle. 

Everything happens for a reason. God kept me alive for a reason. That i know. But why did he have to wreck my ride? Couldn't he have given me some other type of near death experience? Okay now i just sound irrational and ridiculous. 

I just wish i could win the lotto. 

Or stumble upon 10 grand. 

I don't even think i can afford the insurance to drive my moms jeep. 

Pretty soon they'll probably come out with passenger insurance and i won't even be able to afford my friends driving me around. 

I know i should be more positive about my situation, but its just so hard to be. 

I am so thankful to know that tomorrow i can wake up and live. But i've said it many times, my car was always the most important thing i owned, not due to the value, it was just the one thing i had that was mine, i could accessorize it my way, i could make it me. 

It was like my own little trip into my world. 

This summer is going to be hard. 

How i am going to find a way to places like the rink and the gym and of course work, i have no idea.

What is there to do? Nothing. 

Wait, and wish, and hope, that something comes my way.

I am taking the ticket to court, maybe the judge will give me some sympathy. 

Probably not, because i know he/she will stereotype me as an unthankful teenage kid just trying to get out of a ticket.

But i wasn't driving carelessly. I was off the phone, wasnt messing with the radio, or any other distraction that you can see all over every other driver on the detroit interstate. I'm sure cars passed by my accident not even realizing it because they were too busy reading or putting on makeup. 

Frustratttttttttttttttting. 

Oh well, Life goes on. 

Getting back, playing hockey, and Plaxico Burress

I hate winter. 

Not to start another post with a sour mood, but i hate winter.

It probably wouldn't be that bad if i had a car WITH 4 WHEEL DRIVE, someone tell dad this lol.

Im to the point of praying for decent weather and solid road work tomorrow so i can get home not only quickly, but safely. Being stuck in the driveway at my dads with a dead cell phone was not the way i envisioned spending my sunday night back home. But it happens. 

I guess this is making up for all the smiles, laughs, and brightened moods i caused for giving people rides in the hoopty with 20 inch gold rims. That was honestly awesome, driving around town knowing that no one could hate on my ride. It caught the eye of everyone, very similar to how it catches the eye of everyone behind me when i am going up hills 2-3 mph, spinning sideways with my hazards on. 

I love being home, but then i realize what i get to do when i go downstate. 

I get to play hockey.

One thing that our now former coach, thank god, said that will stick with me throughout my entire hockey career, is when he said you guys need to realize that tonight you get to play hockey.

If i didn't love the game with everything i had inside me i wouldn't be in the situation i am in. 

It takes a few days away from the ice to realize that i love everything about it.

I already miss the freezing cold rink, lacing up the skates with the kid from florida on my left, and the crazy, born in '92, self proclaimed "prodigy" to my right. 

And i cant wait for the next month of hockey, our next 8 games are against teams with a combined record of 27-64-4. God wouldn't it be a crime if we could actually get on a winning streak? 

Its just going to be awesome to go out there and realize that i get to play hockey. 

I Don't have to worry about school, or getting up early for work, or dealing with girls; i just get to play hockey. 

Not many people get to wake up and solely focus on the one thing they love.

I do. Gotta love it. 

I also am looking forward to the christmas season, not only hopefully continuing the christmas eve tradition that we started last year, and thats all ill say mom, but december 19th-22nd could very easily be the biggest life changing 4 days for me. That is the day of the showcase, the day where scouts wait in line to get into the rink. 

Everything i've done since the end of last year will all come into play those 4 games where i can really prove what i can do. 

Please OU, i'm only asking for like $25,000, is that so bad?

A scholarship offer would be the ultimate gift. Not only to myself, but also to my parents. 

Maybe pay them back a little bit for all the money they have given me throughout the years. 

A full ride to OU is hopefully not too good to be true.

Next subject.

I want to recognize Plaxico Burress as officially becoming the biggest idiot on the face of the planet. 

For those of you who do not know, Plaxico is the elite receiver for the new york giant, and an ex steeler. He was one of the biggest up and coming receivers when the steelers let him go, but his ego was apparently "out of control." He is like the Barry Bonds of the NFL, except hes not putting up record numbers quite yet. I had no issues with Bonds because he holds the record that is looked upon as the most important in all of sports. I'm not even a baseball fan and i think that. The only 2 records that really ever are sealed in my mind forever, are Wayne Gretzky's 212 points in a single season in 1982, It was 8 years before i was even conceived but i will always remember that number. Perhaps, the greatest accomplishment in one season in any sport. Bonds 73 homeruns in a year is impressive, but its breakable. 212 points in 80 games? Yeahhhhh, more then 2.5 points a game. Don't think it will ever be touched. But Bonds having 762 career homeruns. The other record unbreakable. 

Alright totally off the subject but i love being a statistic machine. Most points in one hockey game? 10, 1976, Daryl Sittler, google it, i might have misspelled his first name. Yeah if i remembered things in school like this i would already be at yale. How about points in a career. Of course its Wayne, but thats a 4 digit number, over 1500 atleast.. maybe like 1750? Not even close. 3239. Yeah let that number sink in. That is a ridiculous number. That counts the playoffs though, sadly i dont know his regular season point total, probably like 2800ish.

Okay wow. Way off topic now.

All this because of Plaxico. I even capitalize his name, thats an award right there, i rarely capitalize names, unless they really matter, like him, Wayne, or Barry.

Plaxico Burress had a concealed weapon in a nightclub at 1 am in NYC on Friday. 2 days before a huge game against Washington hes at a nightclub at 1 am, already an idiot move, then you add in a gun, whatever. If he was in San Francisco and there were cannibalizing 49er fans chasing him with pitchforks and torches, alright then maybe a gun is necessary, but until that video-game-like experience happens, leave the concealed weapons at home Plax.

On his way to a VIP room, and this is all according to ESPN, so it might be slightly off, Burress fumbled (gotta love the football pun) with his gun, and it went off. 

And he shot himself. 

Like really? 

He shot himself in the leg, with his own gun. 

I mean come on Cheddar Bob (Alex may be the only one to get that, its from 8 mile). 

So he is already in a terrible situation. Usually shooting yourself is not the best prep for a big game. Luckily he missed any key arteries and didn't really hurt himself too badly. He was released from the hospital like 36 hours later i think. 

Now that is not the end. 

I heard that and just laughed, thinking that was all, thinking he was going to miss some games and get released from the Giants at years end, and not get a buyout because there was a "no shooting yourself" clause in his contract. And then probably get picked up by Dallas because jerry jones is a nut case, i mean he has already showed that he thinks signing a guy with the nickname pac-man is a good idea. 

Things get way worse for good ol' P-Bur. 

Apparently. 

Having a concealed weapon outside of the home, or office, in New York, without a license, is illegal. 

Very illegal. 

Like serious jail time illegal. 

Like start getting buff for prison so you don't get raped illegal. 

John Anderson said it best. 

"Catching a ball is pretty hard when you're in handcuffs."

This is the same guy who in February was the super bowl hero. 

Now in December, Hey Plax, keep your ring at home when you go to prison for over 1000 days. 

So instead of first coming clean, he decides to go to the police, say his name is Harris Smith (really plaxico thats the best you can think of, you should have said your name was Randy Moss, that would have just been classic), and say that he got shot at a restaurant. 

The new york mayor said that "if you carry around a loaded handgun without a license, it's an automatic 3 in a half years in the slammer."

Haha. 

Good work Plax.

You are about to lose all your money. 

And go to jail. 

You had it all. 

And now you having nothing.

Oh i forgot. This is all "IF" hes convicted.

IF. 

He shot himself, so it was loaded, and he had a gun concealed, and a gun is a weapon, so it pretty much sounds like he had a loaded concealed weapon. 

Yet he probably won't be put behind bars for atleast 3 or 4 months, oh how i love our legal system. 

People on death row wait to die for years and years, and Plaxico Burress may be able to play in another superbowl in February if hes not suspended by the commish. And since its a big IF, he probably won't be suspended. 

So congratulations Plaxico Burress. 

Say what up to Michael Vick for me.

Can't wait until you get released because i will be drinking a beer legally, kicking back watching the lions probably try to sign you because they suck. 

So Sick

11-2.

11-2, and not 11 and 2, or november 2nd, 11-2.

Eleven-Two.

Eleven 2 Two.

Is there a greater embarrassment? 

I guess 12-2. 

I've never felt like i was accomplishing less in my entire life. 

True, i love it down here, during the week.

Then, we have to go play teams that toy with us. 

To go on the ice, and dominate.

And then sit on the bench, and continuously watch us get scored on.

Now. I'm not blaming my team for 11-2. 

That's just unfair. 

But it just seems like its been like this all year. 

One time, just one time, how sweet it would taste to win a game against a good team.

It would switch the taste of dry coffee in my mouth to cotton candy.

Just one time.

One time. 

All weekend, I just thought of OU. 

Thought about how they had a home football game, which i think they lost because they're terrible, to akron.

Ohio football is as disgraceful to college football as the Grand Rapids Jr. Owls are to the CSHL.

But i would be attending a great school, hopefully playing hockey, and living the college life.

I've never actually wanted to fast forward time.

Sometimes i have by like a few days, or hours.

But never months. 

God.

Fast forward me to April.

Please. 

So i can see where i end up.

And go home. 

And work.

And work out.

And see my family.

And friends.

And just live.

Leave all this behind.

But until then.

I guess i have to just sweat it out.

Make the best of it.

Somehow.

Maybe it wasn't our coach.

Maybe we'll know later.

I hope.

It can't get any worse.

I hope.

Maybe something will happen.

And this will get turned around.

Maybe.

I think my jersey needs to get a bit heavier.

If you catch my drift.

Maybe someone will see it.

I already do it.

Might as well give me the extra weight.

It won't slow me down.

Rather rule in hell then serve in heaven, right?

If only i could fast forward time.

But i cant.

Cant wait to go home.

And not think about this at all.

Going to be great.

One time.

One time.

When Darkness Falls

When Darkness falls, most turn away

Willing to leave, too scared to stay;

Until the light, is shined once more

To cleanse the spirit, from their floor.

When Darkness falls, most run and hide

Afraid of black, they run inside;

Until the light, decides to rise

And puts that sparkle, in their eyes.

When Darkness falls, most give it up

Too Terrified, to live it up;

Until the light, beams from the sky

And wipes the tears, from their cry.

When Darkness falls, most tend to quit

Thus leading too, their skin cells slit;

Until the light, shines off the moon

And heals their scares, heals their wounds.

When Darkness falls, I find a way

To see color, ignore the gray;

And when the light, shines through to me

I'll be waiting, to shine indeed.

I have been working on this poem, actually trying to focus on structure and rhythm and all that shakespearean trash. 

It is about my aspect toward the things i am doing right now, compared to how it seems like everyone else looks at their situation. 

It has a bunch of meanings. 

Interpret How You Want. 

Feedback would be great!

Cruising the Streets

What a journey!

The 4 hours to traverse city from dearborn was one of the craziest adventures i think i have ever been on. I finally got some time to think, and not have to worry about hockey. Even though half the time i spent thinking i was thinking about hockey so i guess i only spent half of my time wisely. 

I really didn't think i was going to make it, even though i took every safety precaution before leaving. I got my oil change, filled up the gas tank, cooled my engine down, filled up the tires... I was ready to go.

Then 10 miles down the road my Check Engine light decides to turn on... and never turn off. 

All i could think is ''hmm... i am either going to spend tonight tucked away in my own bed, or i will be crammed in my backseat in a broken down car using a suit jacket as a blanket."

Thankfully i made it home, without hitting any dear; however, i did run over a bunny, i would have swerved if there wasn't a semi coming at me the other way. I had to make the decision to either kill one of god beautiful creatures, or kill a rabbit... haha thought i was going the other way didn't you?

I actually feel really bad about hitting a rabbit. 

I finally got home. 

The feeling of driving through Traverse City is something i can not even explain. It was like a trip through the past. Given i only went about 5 miles down Garfield into the heart of traverse city but it seemed like every building i passed lied a deep and sincere memory. Driving past the bowling alley where clay and i spent a lot of the summer, driving by where i get my oil changed, driving by bo tangles, where i used to always get hair cuts as a kid, driving by rite aid where i used to always grab food during drivers ed, it was all just a trip. 

Its hard to realize how much this city has transformed me from a kid into a man. 

I wanted so badly to get out of this city 4 months ago, i wanted out of the depths of the basement and into the limelight of reality. But i couldn't realize how much this city impacted me until i left it. 

The first time i came back i was only gone for 2 weeks, and it felt like i had been gone for 2 years. Now, being gone for 9 weeks, it was like i was visiting, instead of leaving where i was visiting. 

I was so excited. 

Driving down Garfield road knowing i had just miles to get to my tempur pedic bed, knowing that in about 8 hours clay will be roaring through my bedroom door as if it was his own and there was 500 bucks waiting for him. 

Not even singing, literally SCREAMING, gangsta gangsta by lil scrappy as i flipped the bird to the police that i saw pulling over a dodge ram, knowing they just ruined his night. 

Auburn Hills has transformed me into a man, and i don't just say that because i can finally grow facial hair. Playing junior hockey, no matter the level, has really shown me some of the key points of life that you have to also take to the ice.

And i have met so many people, who i can hang out with as if i had known them for years. Its kind of weird because while i am in Auburn Hills i spend so much time texting people back home, telling them how much i can't wait to get back. Now that i am home, i know i will be texting people in Auburn Hills telling them how much i can't wait to get back. 

Its just so nice being home again. Walking into my room, seeing all my clothes that i didn't take downstate lying extremely unorganized over my floor, I had to smile. 

For the first time ever, I felt completed. 

I honestly feel like if i died in my sleep tonight i would have lived a very fulfilling and successful life. I would be very upset that i never got to go to the casino, but you can't do everything in a lifetime. 

Waking up in TC tomorrow is going to be awesome. 

No longer having to wait until i got home to do things. 

This feels so right.

I am home. 

Where i belong. 

For now.

Voting

I remember the first thing that came to my mind when i realized I would be 18 on November 4th of 2008. Hey! I can vote! Well tomorrow that prestigious day comes where every young adult tries to find their way to the poll booth so they can have their say in the direction of this beautiful country for the next 4 years. 

On the contrary. 

I will not be voting tomorrow.

I'm so sick of hearing popular punk bands go against their rebellious reputation on MTV telling all of us teenagers that we need to get out and vote. To me, the problem with the voting in this country is not the fact that there are people not getting into the booths; the problem is that too many people are not exactly sure what they're voting for. 

If you are completely positive that you want to vote republican or democrat and you sit at home watching the election update on CNN then there is a problem with that; however, if you are like me and thousands of other 18 year old, and are not completely positive on the issues you are choosing for this country, DO NOT feel terrible about sitting at home while educated citizens vote. 

It sickens me to hear so many people vote solely on one issue. I mean lets say you want medical marijuana to be legalized, an issue that many teenagers and young adults get the munchies to just thinking about it, Obama is your man. He even said in 2004 "I think we need to rethink and decriminalize our marijuana laws." Just from that one sentence, its disgusting to think how many KIDS will rush to the voting booth praying that Barack Hussein will be running this country. Add in the fact that Obama voted for the raise of minimum wage and wants the minimum hourly wage to be over 9 dollars an hour in the next couple years, and you are already getting in your car to vote aren't you? 

How about Mccain? As an avid sports watcher it really is a healthy campaign to see that Johnny boy actually sponsored the bill to drug test professional athletes. Mccain opposes any bill that would legalize weed and he even continues to put money toward busting avid users. He believes marijuana is a gateway drug that can easily lead to the use and possession of more dangerous drugs such as cocaine and LSD. Finally a contradiction, I see the positives to each of these situations but is this country really in such a medical crisis that we can't find healthier substitutions to medicine? I mean do we really need to turn to the Bob Marley plant in order to reduce health hazards? That is some (pardon me relatives) but to quote Harold and Kumar, "post-college rebel bullshit."

I mean sure it kind of frustrates me, a kid that has had a job since he was 15 that Mccain has voted 15+ times to NOT increase the minimum wage, but that is his right. He is someone that has a far more educated opinion on the issue then any of us. He knows exactly what he is voting for, and the exact chances that an increasing minimum wage could lead to an immediate inflation have to be running wild in his mind. 

So yes, I know the sides of two issues, from some easy research, on the two people, one of which will soon be running this country. 

Do i now feel like I should get out and vote? No.

I do think it is great that we live in a country where our forefathers went to war to give us a say in what happens to this nation. But both candidates have so much negative to them that it pains me to become part of the problem.

Bush has a low approval rating, but do you remember who he ran against in 2004? I mean sure Al Gore had the popular vote in 2000 and maybe "should have been" the president. But I mean John Kerry in 2004? A guy who probably couldn't fit his chin threw the white house door? The country is going to be against the head of state no matter who is in office.

The people of this country need to understand their role as citizens and only get to the polls if they feel like they know exactly what they are voting for. 

I personally feel that if Gore or Kerry was in office we would still be getting attacked by terrorists, no matter how you feel on the war in Iraq, it is something that has to be done. You can not avoid a problem, Iraq is a problem, you can't make peace with terrorists. 

You can't play a prevent defense when your down in the game sort of speak. You need to go on the offensive, which is exactly what we have done. I fear if Obama is elected the pulling of our troops from Iraq (who volunteered to lead this country in the war on terror), we would be going back on the defensive while still down in the ball game. If Mccain is elected, I am afraid he will feel pressured to force an even greater attack, and throw hail marys while still in the middle of the third quarter. 

All i can hope is that no matter who is elected, they communicate with Bush and figure out exactly what he had in mind when he put the troops into Iraq. 

The war is one thing that we can not afford to gamble on. This is one time we can't put money on 10 black. 

Almost every other issue we can completely reverse and live with the consequences. The war on terror is not one of those issues. I am almost to the point of terrified that a dramatic change in the presidency can turn this country into chaos. 

Will it happen? Hopefully not. 

All i ask is that if you are going to fill in a ballot. Please. Know exactly who you are voting for. 

This is something that I can not do. 

So I am so sorry Usher, I will be neglecting my privilege to vote for the next president of the United States. 

I will not vote Mccain, I will not vote Obama, hell I won't even vote Nader.

I vote for America. And hopefully for a consistent, great, and noble next 4 years.

Fly high USA.